TillFlake feels and how it's somewhat helping me survive rn...

I've been into a lot of rpf since my early teens, it’s no surprise I would be back to feeling things over a newfound ‘obsession’ in that area.

The new ‘otp’ is TillFlake.

Funny how in my teens I wasn’t into R+ ….I guess it’s because the people around me weren’t into it so I didn’t notice their music and also my lack of curiosity (and also my other ‘obsessions’ at the time..when I get into something I go deep and consume only that….even tho I can’t put myself in the shoes of other people who spend so many years constantly in a single ‘fndm’.)

I never considered myself part of fndm or anything, I never felt that I was part of something either. Some people find a ‘second home’ in fndm….or talk like the fndm was everything and idk. Well, I have always thought that I go from thing to thing, hyperfocusing on it for months and then going to the next one...then years later I go back, like visiting an old friend. It’s comforting. 

So, to be back on topic, I never got into R+ on my teens....other thing is that I’m the kind of person that might be afraid of change or getting out of comfort zones...that same goes for music, movies, series, etc. I had my few but well loved music playlist, most of them being some anime songs, tons of videogame osts, and a lot of music that we used to listen at ‘school’ or the music that was most heard at that time that was considered ‘in’. I can’t say I hate music genres, even tho I crave more of some than others, I love all kinds of music. 

So back at that time I was unlucky to not know a single person into the group and then I failed to be curious. Back then when youtub was funny, I watched one of those viral vids. It was ‘El sonidito’. The song was edited to be synchronized to some clips of r+ live aus berlin. It was a forever fave of mine, as fave as the soad songs over el chavo del 8 clips. Those made me laugh and brought so much joy to me as a teen...I was enchanted. But I wasn’t curious. SO, I knew there was that group but never dug into it. I was always fascinated by the extravagant show of fire and also the funny skinny guy dancing on the keyboard.

11 years later, here I am, getting into their music and loving it and getting attached even more to that El Sonidito vid. “Das Kleine Ton”....I find it a total master piece. At least it’s gonna stay with me until I’m no more on this earth, I’m sure of that.

On 2018 a dear friend was making a cool project consisting on having artist illustrate their fave songs, and I remember lovely jaka (if u reading this, holi jaka ;u;/ GRACIAS POR INSPIRARME) singing du hast with another friend...and I was like ‘I- I wanna know and be part…’ and then I was kinda shy to get into the music at the moment...but I had the small worm already crawling on my brain, thinking into getting into it. Months later, or maybe in 2019, I tried to listen to them at work, bad idea, because even tho I started with their first album and IT WASN’T WHAT I WAS EXPECTING (And I gotta say, THE KEYBOARD is everything for me. It hooked me immediately.) I was not expecting Du Riescht so Gut to be that ‘electronic’ and ooffff feeling. I wasn’t expecting it. BUT, it wasn’t the right moment, because I started listening on a moment in wich anything could make me sleep at work (I could be listening to screeching noises making my ears bleed and I would fall asleep…) So I didn’t quite enjoy it properly.

I let it stay, I was aware of not being ‘ready’. 2020 came. 

Pandemic, hell, death, the fear, the high level of depression over everything...the uncertainty of having a work to return to...many shit happening….A year that still feels like it didn’t happen...I have memories scrambled with 2019 still...like remembering a drawing was on october from 20 but it was from october 19...to say something. I got a shit callout thanks to some nasty people pointing fingers at me over other popu artist...and said popu artist just said “mmm don’t know her, I follow to many people, I don’t know what she draws! oh wow! (and them liking all my ‘’nasty’’ art...yeah, and even making fanart of my characters…”i don’t know” my ASS.)  I didn't come back to listen to them until later…

So what made me FINALLY go see what the group was about was the bück dich performance. I have to thank spilly on that regard (if u reading this, hi spilly! without you I couldn't have ever find out about bück dich ;w;/ I'm forever in debt with you for that THANK YOU 🥺). It had been some (long) time since I had been SO into musical shipping.

Another thingie that made me nit think twice about shipping bands again was that I got to draw a lovely commission for maggie ;;... A KISS YAOI COMMISSION. I was like OMG YEAH YEAH YEAH!! I'm not alone in band shipping… (I know there is a lot of ppl into rpf of music and stuff… BUT having an artist you admire and appreciate be into that makes u feel bold and to not fear of expressing what u like… so.. if u read this maggie and shane… hi and THANK YOU SO MUCH ;w; /💖) 

 I used to call the real ppl yaois slash (at least I thought that was the difference, I saw tags meaning slash on most of rpf and yaoi for animes or cartoons… so yeah, I was very into band slash long ago but since I lost track of groups and didn't bother to look into older groups… I know I missed A LOT…. 

SO bück dich made my mouth drop to the floor and I just knew it had become a new obsession. The seed was planted and germinated when I dug more….and more…. Now here I am, consuming 20+ years of music + performances + info of the group…. and it made me wonder… first i was YES YAOIS, now I'm ;; why did I miss out on all this??? 20 years have come and passed…. well, the group is a year younger than me… 27 years have already passed so fast… 

I see the live aus berlin show and think, dude, the 90's were just yesterday, the fuck??????? 

and then I'm hyper aware that I was busy growing up and forming a brain while these dudes were doing their stuff….and a lot of people my age knew them in their teens, while I was 'wasting' my time-life…. haha, well, better late than never I guess?... 

Now, back to my TillFlake feels…. 

I feel more towards that pair because it was love at first sight for me (I had the image of flake in das kleine ton, the funny keyboard man, and then I had till with the fire wheel(?) looking super neat…. and then to see the two in a domsub set… and the contrast in their physique… I can't help it, everything in me screams to ship…and then after watching more pictures, videos, interviews… moments.. i feel soft.. idk, as I wrote on my latest entry, I sure feel the butterflies in my chest…plus the fact that the whole group is still together (and for sure i imagine that not being easy… but it's lucky that they are still the same six… damn) well, we all like to imagine good things than ugly things… haha but the few little bits I have read of them and their journeys or interviews make me imagine a lot of things… i sure hope they are good friends and love (love is a strong word… i don't dare use it on my mother tonge bc it just feels wrong for me to say such an 'important' thing…) each other… no in a romantic cliche way but in a "we have lived so much shit together...i can't help but appreciate your company and all we've been tru…

idk… 

The impact of getting into the group made me go dig for more info at tungle dot com...yeah, it's hitting me hard.. haha…I don't feel special or anything for liking them, but I sure feel that I came too late to the party….many regretful thoughts.. I'm feeling a lot just from getting to know something 'new'... haha… 

Tungle has a lot of data and stuff and it's helping me discover more about them, and also providing some hella neat pics for ref to draw and get inspo… kinda miss tungle sometimes…

and being there made me find some sweet moments between the two… I just hope the translations aren't just a dream… but I recently read one on flake on when they formed the group, him saying how everyone was a mess between each other, how he didn't want to be part and how the o ly one he immediately liked was Till…. idk made me feel ;; and made me think, bru, is that why he let the whole domsub performance happen? I have watched one of the "oldest" (?) vids and I feel like it's my fave, where Till just goes and full kisses flake in the mouth and licks his neck and it's so very raw in emotion… like it wasn't actually practised… it feels spontaneous, natural… IDK. makes my heart do the thing… the tingly thing… and then I've seen gifs of them doing their most recent performance (2019?) and Till helping Flake out of the boat…looking all old and soft both of them in full costume, but jusy being very gentle. My heart feels very small… like a big hand is squeezing it…Idk, you see their rawness as young and their gentleness at old age… makes me wanna cry… I just find the humanity of it all so very endearing…I'm not a very romantic uwu loveydovey person… I just find human interaction something that is worth appreciating… not even the idea of them fuking like animals or being a couple but the idea of simple interactions, or just being around each other makes me tender… this is why I hope they all are friends…ofc not all is love and peace, but you get the idea… 

I'm pulling all of these feels out of my ass rn bc I'm anxious before my tutoria, a hell that work has brought to me since march of this year… it leaves me lifeless and without wanting to do ANYTHING, not even talking.. not even eating… not even nothing… It' s 5:20pm rn, at 6 I have to go give a "class" to a bunch of university teachers…I feel extreme anxiety with phone calls and now I have to sit an hour every week with a camera on talking about stuff i don't even know about. so yeah… I had to even close my commissions and creative projects bc of that…I haven't been drawing enough even for myself… I have been drained of any creative impulse… maybe nobody notices this but I have been drawing less these pasts months (Yeah, I have posted a lot of art but if u know me u know that I could draw the triple…) I don't even want to play vidyagames some weeks...when i don't wanna draw, i usually play games to distract myself, but now.. not even games are enough to bring desire out of me…i feel so drained…. but then i got into rammstein and here i am…writing whatever comes out of my brain before my hour of high anxiety… 

THE POINT IS, getting into all this is helping me because I'm feeling a LOT again after these months of constant draining... the last obsession that almost got me hard was megaten, but as I said, the anxiety and ugly feels got stronger and I have left the game unfinished...

Rpf is doing something good for me rn... bc as I said in my last post, even tho cartoons are cool and inmortal, seeing people makes u feel a certain way... wanting to connect with actual people, we are humans after all and need a bit of REALITY even tho we end up making it fiction or to fit to ourselves in a way....

I will leave this rambling here bc it's almost time, and I hope the things I didn't wrote here are understood... well the essense of what i wanted to say reaches u...

I know my problems and feels are nothing compared to a lot of other.. but I hope you don't feel like "wow just shut the up" while reading this… 

Again, if u made it tru that all, thank you for reading my brain farts…

RPF and a bit more.

 RPF and a bit more.

The bad or rather sad thing of RPF shipping is that you can only wonder. You start thinking about the possibilities of ppl being “in love” or “in a relationship”. I think that most of us that know to differentiate between reality and fiction know how the things we want real are not and respect the lives of the people we ship.

RPF is it’s own realm, you know it’s not gonna happen but the thought makes you feel the butterflies. Also when you have a lot of material (pictures, videos, interviews, whatever) of them interacting in “shippy” ways, it hits you even harder. The concept of two people being together, of them enjoying the company of each other, or the characters they play being completely out of control.  

RPF is a double edged blade, because you can’t help thinking or wishing how you feel to be REAL. That’s the fun part of shipping cartoons, anime or creating your own characters, they don’t exist, so you can make it real for you. The realm of drawings is paradise, you can do and undo the characters however you please and not feel bad “oh but they are married...oh but they actually have a family..oh but they are not that kind of person”...with cartoons you decide what you want. Canon heterosexuality? canon marriage with kids???, let’s ignore and make our own mpregs, This character didn’t do x or y? let me fix that. You can take the material produced “for the masses” and make your fanart to appeal for your taste. Of course, we, the elders in the “”fandoms”” know etiquette. We know not to go bother the original creators to make our ships canon, we know a huge company is nothing even tho we see their attempts at giving fans crumbles of what we desire just for marketing (didni being the biggest hypocrite piece of shit) or even have a work that made a huge impact on us only to find out the creator is ACTUAL shit (harry pot, sam x.) and we have to accept maturely and take notice of this to not support them. I believe that even tho cartoon shipping is good bc there’s no limits to cartoons, we have to be critical of the real people behind it all.

The kids nowadays have been indoctrinated into actually taking ANYTHING they don’t like (the “don’t like” disguised as morality) and screaming and pointing fingers, while ignoring their own faults.

You can see a kiddo leading a harassment campaign towards an adult artist that doesn’t know them and that has clearly put warnings on their art so that people keep away, while the same kid is screaming about breeding x or y character, be it a cartoon or even A REAL SERIAL KILLER. “I don’t support the fictional abuse to this fictional cartoon character, so I will ruin your REAL life.” That’s the “logic” these kids have. Or being into rpf and being utterly disrespectful towards the people they ship as if they were barbie dolls. Some of these real people KNOW that their fans ship them, they even can use that for popularity points or just to make their fans happy, but ofc not all are like that and a lot of people fail to grasp that.

In resume, the kiddos and a lot of young adults have lost the common sense of not mixing reality with fiction. And tons of these people become “popular” and start spreading their “ideologies”....

I find it depressing how things have become, I started into the internetz when tons of shit were just out there for anyone to find, tons of us grew up like that, we know also that fndm wasn’t a peaceful realm (ugly ship wars, people stealing arts, plagiarism, etc) but we knew not to share our private info, not to share explicit details of our real lives. Nowadays kiddos and weird adults trying to fit into the kiddos “agendas” have a carrd with every single detail of their lives in the open for anyone out there. 

It’s understandable that we all want to be recognized in some way, especially in these times of being bombarded with so much info each second. But not everyone wishes to have their lives inspected by the morality cops of the internetz. Tons of us just want to be left alone, drawing or writing our fanart and fanfics or creating our stories to ignore how shit our lives are. 

Wish we went back to fangirling and making yaoiz of anything with no remorse or fear like the ole days. 

I could point out so much shit I remember consuming as a teen new to the internet and feel even sadder of what we’ve become.

I’ve been recently finding joy in shipping music groups, like when I was 14. Even when I was that age I knew that everything must be an act but it sure feels good to see and IMAGINE. We all end up going back to our essence haha, u ship band members, you ship yaois, you go “NOT ANYMORE” and years later, you go back, brain go brrrrrrr. The only good thing (even tho it’s painful with the rp), is that now I can make proper fanart of my recent obsessions, even tho it makes me utterly sad because the older i get, the more i think and the more i feel how life goes by so fast….that one is another sad thing of rpf….the passing of time, cruel and VERY real. You get to see the people live and pass….the cartoons can be revived the amount of times necessary.

(A 2019 draw and my 2008 draws...)

(Don't we all start shipping stuff as teens? bruh I was into the mcr 30stm babasonicos beatles and green day...i remember many fics and fanart very dearly... a lot of them inspired me to draw and also to be better in my art ;u;... look at the antiques... 2008,2009,2010,2011 draws) 

(I'm happy of how far I have come... but sad that I now am in constant distrust of anyone.. I was very outgoing online before...also real life comes to hit u hard...)

(And my recent obsession... let's see if I'm still alive from here on 10 years... or if there's a world to live in still....)

(I draw the funky shapes....)

Real people we enjoy (in this case artists, musicians, actors) are only in the lives of their close ones, we only get to see their ‘personas’ even tho there are others that are very public about their lives. But ofc, we get limited info on them, We get few pictures of their early life, few info of their feelings and thoughts...I mean, it’s okay, but our own humanity makes us want to know this info to connect…

Don’t put these thoughts of mine alongside the parasocial (??? is that the term??) relationship some fans create with artists of every branch, the “I feel betrayed, I thought we had something special!” kind of people (and the artists don’t even know them…) 

We can feel betrayed ofc when we get to know some shit about some artists (like real shit things, not the “ayyy this artist is drawing shotaloli, ayyy this artist ships incence” kinda bullshit, but real damaging shit they do to REAL people) but yeah, getting to the point,

is so sad that we see these people and want to know more and we only get a small peek of them….and it’s okay but we start feeling and imagining…”how would I be if I had been born just a few years before...I wish I was older so I could enjoy this at that moment in time…” ...can’t help but feel sadness, can’t help but feel things that maybe a lot might find dumb...or useless feelings…

We all have thought of “boy i wish i was born on x years” (like, “boi i wish i was a teen in the 60’s to have enjoyed the beatles”) it’s very different to go back MANY many years in the past than just want to go 5 years in the past….which is what I have been feeling lately..haha, “wish i could have walked the earth a bit earlier so I could have been old enough to enjoy this properly”....maybe it’s just me and my sad wasted life...that couldn’t discover the stuff at the right time and lost time….I’ve been feeling pretty depressed lately...death is more present than ever thanks to cockbig and it’s like every mistake and waste of time is coming to slap my face….

All I can do at the time is think that we are lucky to share and walk the earth with a few peers we enjoy at the same time.... and wonder “i was living this when them were living that”.... :’) 

Thank you for reading, I got more sad at the end of this post...but I hope somebody out there reading feels me…